Newly Single?

HELLO WORLD!!
Well I don't know if the term newly single applies to me.....In December it will be 2 years that my ex and I separated. Its so strange to me how this world works.  How your life one minute revolves around one person, one household, one routine, and then, with the blink of your eyes it's all over.  I used to believe everything happens for a reason. Then, I believed that believing that statement was just the same as saying " I am a failure."  Now , after a little self searching I'm now back to knowing that EVERYTHING DOES HAPPEN FOR A REASON. Why and how is beyond my control and I refuse to try to understand the statement anymore. I just told myself..."Why question? Just Believe!"  It's like trying to understand why birds can fly and humans can't.

So, a couple of months ago it finally hit me. Him and I will never, are never, can't ever be together again.  He's moved on and has a live in girlfriend. We have a 5 year old together so we keep civil and in contact quite frequently.  He's even my friend on facebook!! I wonder everyday why I allow myself to be tortured like that.  It hurts my heart to see him with someone else...and happpy at that.  He swears he's miserable with her and promises he just doesn't want to be alone.  Sometimes I believe him otheer days I don't.. He still loves me but I can't seem to get it????? I don't know if i miss him because he is  with someone else and i'm just being jealous, or if I truly miss him because I am in love with him..Most days I know I made the right decision to leave, other days I wish I could go back in time and change everything. 

Will it ever end?  I moved back to Texas from Cali one whole year ago. I hadn't lived here since I was 18 and now I am 25!!! How time fly's...How everything changes.... My outlook on life is completely different. I got with my ex when I was 18 years old. I was just a baby.. I didn't know anything about life or love or courage or strength...I did have compassion though...I was caring and I knew how to love someone with all my heart. My whole life till this day I feel like I have always had to love everyone.. I've had to love my parents individually when they were almost going through a divorce,  I've had to love my nieces with all my heart when they were abandoned by their parents when they were just babies....I myself was just a baby. I was only 10. I loved my ex more that I loved myself and now I love my princess more than words will ever, ever express.

I, though, have never felt completely loved.  I know it will happen, but right now I feel so enclosed.  My heart wants to open but can't? I was hurt so bad before and I too hurt him.  I feel like its a vicious cycle.  Will it ever end? Whatever happened to Good Ole Fashion love????

I'm on a mission to grow as a human being and to find that one man that will knock me to my knees!!!=)